Uh oh, look what happened. There you were, trawling the web for something important, or insightful, or entertaining. Instead, you’ve dropped through the never-ending circus of blogs and found this, my blog. Blog #758933022173827.
You want to press backspace and try again. Some of you already have. But some of you are waiting, hovering over the key, not wanting to be hasty. Not wanting people to know you’re a quitter. What you want – no, need – is a reason to stay.
Well, new friend, read on.
3 reasons to read this blog
1. Achieve world domination
That heading is misleading (aka. marketing). You saw it and imagined a gold-plated throne built so high you can see all your domain by turning your head. In your hand sits a microphone, black as your heart. But how it fits. Like the creatures of great magic made it for you alone. By speaking into it, you hold complete and direct command over your armies. Though, if you rule the world, who are you fighting?
Waging war against the Universe? Very ambitious.
Now you’re tingling. Thinking I know ‘the secret’ to world domination and am willing to share it.
I don’t, and I wouldn’t be.
The truth of the title is far less grand. Less sexy.
I’m here to offer you domination of your personal world.
Together we’ll tackle the big issues: love, sex, money, health, dental hygiene. We’ll learn how to mend a broken heart, become rich, get that dog mum and dad would never let you have.
The advice on this blog will change your life, maybe even for the better.
(Disclaimer. 99% of advice from this blog will be unpractical, unsafe, and illegal. It will also most likely be unactionable)
It’s all up for grabs, and when we’re done sorting you, we’ll move on to the bigger issues…
2. Save the economy
We’re in a sorry state, aren’t we? Brexit, recession, Piers Morgan as Prime Minister. It’s all on the horizon and what are we going to do about it?
The key is to massage the economy, spend rather than hoarding your money. There’s no need to put anything under your mattress. Save for those annual recreations of The Princess and the Pea.
Also a bed frame. Put a bed frame under there.
What I know for sure is every penny you spend gives someone else a penny to spend. And every penny they spend keeps the economy going for at least another few days.
Trust me, I know about these things.
(Disclaimer. I do not know about these things. I’m not an economy expert, nor do I know what the economy is, or where it’s kept.)
That’s why you need to buy my books, to save the economy. Will you like them? Best not to think about it. Besides, worrying about your own satisfaction is selfish.
Think of our countries future. Think of the children.
Think buying in bulk.
And remember, the world isn’t safe until I have more money than J.K. Rowling. That’s a fact.
(Disclaimer. That is not a fact)
And finally, if you don’t care about yourself or the world (I know I don’t) there’s the best reason…
3. You’re here
We spoke about that backspace, right? They used to say never look back but this is the age of the web and the saying is now never press backspace.
You’ll lose half your life looking for a good blog so why not stick with this one? There will be free fiction, competitions, crap advice and a lot of laughs.
Maybe I’ll even sell a book.
You and me, we’re going to have a lot of fun together, aren’t we? Aren’t we?
Oh, you pressed backspace.