So they’ve dumped you.
You thought it was good. You thought it would last. Then, without warning – except the “we need to talk” text – they hit you with the dreaded break up convo.
They give you a reason but you don’t believe it. They’re sleeping with someone else. More than one person. They’ve been holding nightly orgies for the past year and you didn’t even know.
Now it doesn’t matter. They’re no longer the love of your life. They have become an ex, disappearing into the wind without’ so much as a break-up shag. Unbelievable.
Then it comes. The post-break up blues, like someone is playing Beyblade in your stomach at all hours (look it up). You can’t eat, can’t sleep. You become lame.
You ask friends, parents, your cat, what can you do? You’re sure they can help, despite no past experience to back up such an assertion. They think they can help too, and you hold your breath.
“Wait,” they say. “Time heals all wounds [or some similar nonsense]”
And what the fuck kind of advice is that?
Time is not your friend. Time does its own thing and so should you. There’s nothing worse than feeling powerless, but for centuries it’s been the only option.
Here I am to put the power back in your hands. To provide you with five solutions for moving on, each rated out of five in three key categories. Effectiveness in moving on, ease of carrying out, and long term impact on life as a whole.
Now we’re going to count down from lowest to highest score starting with…
5. Engage in an endless string of one night stands
If there are two cliches I love then I don’t know both of them. But get back on the horse is sound advice, and if you can find someone attractive even better. The key takeaway here is this…
Nothing distracts like sex.
The more meaningless the better. It’s all downhill once you learn their name so try to avoid introductions where possible.
The only reason this doesn’t score higher is because of the after effects. While it’s true the chase and capture are exhilarating distractions, there is a draw back. Once you, uh, complete, you will suffer. Most people experience extreme levels of despair and misery, as well as a heavy dose of regret. If you’ve been drinking, you’ll drunk dial. Simple as that.
The best way to avoid this is to have a friendly face lined up to give you a cuddle after you kick out Nameless.
Or your cat.
Getting laid on any given night is not difficult if you’re willing to be flexible.
The key is perseverance, the ability to handle rejection, and not worrying about looks. Remember, Nameless isn’t going to be featuring in any Facebook photos. Your friends may laugh, but they’ve done worse. Some of them look worse, so don’t worry.
Arm yourself with these three tools and head for town. Pick a chat up line and hit every applicable human with it until someone bites. There will plenty of rejection, funny looks, and that one’s married.
But, if you persevere, you will always find someone desperate enough to sleep with you.
Remember, rejection only takes a minute, but acceptance lasts all night. It’s a numbers game.
Long term (1/5)
Okay, this is not an advisable solution long term. To keep the darkness at bay you’ll have to be at this every night. Leading to potential issues of financial security and burn out.
Your work life will suffer, so will friendships. You will struggle to make ends meet.
In essence, I’d only suggest pursuing this in the short term. Maybe while working on our next option…
TOTAL SCORE: 7/15
4. Become filthy rich
Sayings don’t get much less true than “money can’t buy you happiness”.
Having friends is all very well, I imagine. But the only reason we don’t get sick of people is because we have holidays and pretty things to distract us. Also alcohol.
What wealth offers is distraction. Have a dream about your ex? Buy a boat. See them kissing someone else? Have them assassinated. Can’t get their perfect smile out of your head? Prostitutes.
With great wealth, comes great opportunity. The only thing you can’t buy is a love removal potion, or this would have scored even higher.
Now, as you are no doubt aware, becoming rich is not easy, so there’s not much to cover here. You may have heard with hard work and dedication you can achieve anything, and this may be true. But working for things is often dull and I wouldn’t recommend it.
There are short cuts to becoming rich, many of which I will discuss in future blog posts. For now, check out your local bank for weak points. The classics are still the best, and can make you filthy rich without much hard work.
The flip side is the potential of jail time. The dumpee’s worst nightmare. The one place where they can never escape that most evil nemesis of the broken heart.
Time to think.
Long term (4/5)
Being rich is great. I would know, I once met a rich guy and he was smiling. As for long term benefits, brilliant. You’ll have big homes and fancy cars and all the toys you want. You’ll live in total comfort, and, if you fail to get over your ex, you can build a special room where you can cry alone.
The only downside is people – jealous people – may accuse you of changing. You’ll lose some, if not all your friends.
But who needs friends? You have a jet.
TOTAL SCORE: 8/15
3. Get addicted to hard drugs
Here’s something they don’t teach you in school. Drugs are not all bad. Yes, they have their downsides (addressed below) but there are also plenty of positives.
So here’s my public service announcement. If you commit to getting hooked on serious drugs, not only will you get over your ex, you’ll forget they ever existed. It’s that bloody good.
So, they work as heartbreak relief, great. But are they easy to get hold of? You bloody bet they are.
My personal supply comes from my nephew, who gets great prices buying in bulk from his Year Five teacher. These days, everyone knows a guy, so ask your toddler to hook you up.
I’m like you. I saw that drugs awareness video back on school. The one where that kid does drugs, party’s then gets one of them ambulance taxis straight to a private bed for a sleep.
Looked awesome. How could something that fun have downsides?
Well, it depends on your point of view. Some people find having no money or home freeing. They think the constant pain in their bones keeps them on their toes. And giving blow jobs for crack might seem a bad deal, but no one likes working and at least you get to choose your hours.
Okay, it’s hard to sugar coat it. Drugs will ruin your life.
Not so great.
But, on the bright side, no more heartache.
Well, it will still ache, but only literally. So there’s that.
TOTAL SCORE: 9/15
2. Murder said ex
Murder is often a fantastic idea, despite it being rather, um, frowned upon in general society.
Thing is, half the reason you can’t move on from your ex is because they’re everywhere. A status on Facebook, a passing comment by a mutual friend, those letters their new partner sends you.
How can you expect to move on when they’re still out there breathing etc.?
It’s not like you can ask them to stop existing, even if you are polite about it. They’ll only call you unreasonable, which is some cheek considering what they’ve done.
But if they were gone, forever, then you’d only need to get past the mourning and you’re home free.
Moving on, expedited.
Worth thinking about, right?
Easier than you think.
The main trouble here is internal. Fear of repercussions, stupidity in not doing it right, sentimentality and a conscience…
A conscience, ha. Did they have a conscience when tearing your heart out and spitting on it? No, and their pain will last minutes, your’s could last a century.
Which is worse?
As for how you should do it, I couldn’t say.
That would be wrong.
This is tough to answer. In a perfect world, the negative effects of your actions last as long as the police investigation. If you’ve done the job right, that shouldn’t last be too long. (Extra points if you can frame the new partner/ someone else you happen to hate.)
Yet, there are many factors it’s hard to account for here. A tenacious police difficult determined to find justice can be bad. Worse can be the parents. They tend to get weird about people killing their children and almost never look at the bright side. Less Christmas presents to buy, for example.
Then we come back to the biggest issue… you. A guilty conscience can ruin a person in much the same way as a drug addiction.
So, if you’re going to be a baby about it, don’t bother.
Finally, we have ghosts. Chances are you’ll have one pissed ex haunting you as you once haunted their Facebook page. But worse.
Often this comes in the form of a cold rush through your special place. At the time you are about to perform the special action with a special person.
Consider that fair warning.
TOTAL SCORE: 10/15
1. Meet someone else
There’s no avoiding the pure truth of the matter. There is no better way to get over your ex than to fall in love with someone else.
I can see it now. You meet them and it’s like a cannon ball of happy to the chest. In an instant, all the dark peels away and you feel good again.
Ugh, makes me sick.
Only getting rich is more difficult than finding someone to love you. (Not you specifically. Although, having said that, you may find it harder than most. Check a mirror).
Like getting laid, finding love takes, perseverance, and a willingness to fail.
The difference here is there are no short cut, ala robbing a bank. I know what you’re thinking. Kidnapping and Stockholm Syndrome, but trust me, it’s best avoided. Sooner or later you’ll end up getting bored or annoyed and demanding a ransom or killing them.
I’ve been burned on that a few timeas.
Oh, it could be perfect, couldn’t it? You get your heart broken, you get out there, you persevere, and you find the one (the next one).
You last forever, brilliant.
In such a scenario it’s a five, but this is a four due to one large caveat. Very few relationships last forever. Your previous one didn’t, remember?
Chances are you’re exchanging heartbreak now for a suspended sentence. Sooner or later, it’ll all loop back to square one.
Heart break, tears, pain.
Is it worth it?
One thing I can guarantee. That won’t happen with hard drugs.