Here at Mark Ayre Towers (shed), my team and I (just me) like to bandy around the real hot-button topics. The key issues we know you are desperate for answers on. Recently we cured heartbreak – you’re welcome – now we’re on to the next thing. The question you no doubt turned to the moment you got over your evil ex:
How can I get some quick cash, without putting much effort in?
A bold question. One many have asked and few have answered. It’s impossible, they say. Word hard, they say. Well, here at Mark Ayre Towers we refuse to accept hard work is ever the answer. That’s why we’re here to offer you a proper, actionable solution. One that doesn’t involve those bastards Hard Work and Time.
Murder your wealthy relative, and grab the inheritance with both hands.
Now we know what you’re thinking: I love my family, and murder is wrong.
And that’s sort of true. Except life isn’t about black and white. It’s all about the grey.
Murdering your family is wrong…
So, Mark Ayre Incorporated (not a real company) have devised the perfect method for deciding when it’s okay to murder your relatives.
You’re going to love it.
Are you even the beneficiary of said inheritance?
Many people go down the “murder your relative” route and feel rather smug when they get away with it. Then they remember before they get their hands on Grandpa’s money it has to go through gran, mum and dad. Even your little brother who everyone likes better than you anyway.
At this point, people either give up or go on a killing spree. After all, if everyone in your family is dead, you’re the only one left to get the dough, right?
Well, yes, but it’s not advisable. While it might be morally okay (which it isn’t), it leaves you in a dangerous position. Police look at family first in murder investigations. So if your entire family bar you end up dead it becomes difficult to divert suspicion.
So, before you kill anyone, make sure you are the sole beneficiary. Or at least stand to make a respectable amount of money from any split.
Is guilt going to be a problem?
Killing is easy – relatively so, anyway – it’s what happens after that’s hard. I’ve already gone into the effects of guilt here so I won’t discuss it now. But, needless to say, if you’re going to pull the trigger, be sure you’re ready to deal with the consequences.
Now onto less serious matters. The method for deciding whether you should kill your relative for their inheritance
The method is simple enough and involves a graph which is hand drawn only because I couldn’t make it work in Excel. It compares the amount of money you stand to earn with the amount of a dick the relative is. The more you stand to earn, the lower the barrier for entry on killing them.
Simple, and here it is…
Okay so the, um… (let’s call it “Up Axis”) is pretty straight forward. This is the amount of money you stand to make from any death from £100 all the way down to £1,000,000+.
Now you might say £100 is not worth a human life, and you’d be wrong because trainers are expensive.
It’s important to note the amount indicated is the amount YOU stand to make. Not the combined inheritance.
As for what I’ll call the across axis this is, you will no doubt have noticed, numbered from 0 to 9.
So here’s how it works. The worse a person your relative is, the less money there needs to be on offer for you to kill them. As you can see, this system is fair. For some examples of it works, see below.
0 – Saint. This person has never stepped a foot out of line. They help old granny’s cross the street. They never swear. They give money to charity and they don’t vote Conservative. We call this kind of person: non-existent – £1,000,000+
3 – Nice guy. After old people meet the nice guy they nod their heads and say “What a nice young man”. He has sworn in the past and may even have told the occasional lie, but more often than not he’s on the side of the angels. He never cheats and he always pays his taxes. However, he did once accidentally queue jump and has felt guilty about it ever since – £100,000
5 – Mr. Invisible. When this fella arrives at the pearly gates Peter doesn’t know what to do with him. He’s never done a good deed, but nor has he ever stepped a foot out of line. In fact, it was hardly worth him existing. Peter allows him into heaven, but only out of pity – £25,000
7 – Bitch/ Bastard – A perpetual liar, a cheat. The kind of person who would run a blog justifying the murder of one’s relatives for a bit of quick cash. If he were a TV character he would be Dick Dastardly. Except he gets away with his schemes more often, because this is real life – £5,000
9 – Devil – This person doesn’t just murder children, he enjoys doing it. He laughs about it and films it for later use. He also believes there are more differences between black and white people than the colour of their skin – £100
And there you have it
A full proof solution to finding out if it’s okay to murder your relative for the money. So decide what kind of person they are, how much money you stand to make, and see where they end up on the chart.